Lonely

This is what I miss.

I miss just being myself with people I love.....

people I trust.....

people I can talk to about anything....

I feel so isolated here.

I feel isolated even when I am surrounded by others.

at work

at home

in the car

I am so focused inward..... I need to look outside myself.... I need to create the bonds of friendship with others.... I need to reach out..... I need to stop thinking of me.... and in doing so I hope to become fulfilled.

I am done crying.....

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Sunday musings

It was a nice weekend despite the fact that I have a slight cold. Four K students out of Friday... 3 sick with this germ..... I am lucky to have such a strong immune system. Just a little sore throat is it.

I had the great pleasure of babysitting my 2 little nieces last night. They even slept over. They were really into helping in the kitchen and being right with me all the time. It's such a sweet age when they depend on you so much and look to you for company and solace and entertainment. My own aged children do most things for themselves these days which is exactly what my goal was... to help them to be independent and capable. But sometimes I miss the old days! So it's nice to have little ones around to spend time with on occasion.

I didn't ever post anything about Mason's birthday. I am certainly remiss. I love that boy with my whole heart. He is so funny, so witty, so smart, so stubborn, so awkward (at times), so tall, so unmotivated, so sweet, so, well, SO TEENAGED!

He didn't want a birthday party. We went our for dinner on his day with Mark's mom. It was her birthday as well. It was nice and uneventful. Later that week, Mark went out and bought Mason a free weight set for his room. He lifts every other day and runs on the days he doesn't lift. He is sooooo dedicated to getting in shape for next year's football season it amazes me! Can't remember if he has homework from day to day, but is preparing for tryouts in August. I am glad he has passion for something! Algebra and Spanish are certainly not it!

And only one more year until he is on the road behind the wheel of a motor vehicle..... all I have to say about that is....... BRACE YOURSELVES, PEOPLE, DANGER IS IMMINENT!

On the day you were born...

I woke up in the middle of a very painful contraction

You breathed in your first breath of air and screamed before you were fully born

My dream of having a daughter was fulfilled

I fainted while trying to shower

It was sunny outside

You almost flipped yourself off of the scale when the nurse tried to weigh you

I was so happy and excited I couldn't sleep

Mason kissed you almost 100 times

Daddy looked so proud I thought he might burst

Our family became complete

We love you Kyla! Happy 13th birthday (late)!!

The birthday whirlwind is about to begin....

So January is our month for birthdays around here.... we have Kyla's tomorrow and Mason's on Sunday.

My grandmother had her first two sons on the same day only one year apart so everyone kept saying that I would have Kyla on Mason's birthday (only 2 years apart)...... luckily that didn't happen.... she was 13 days over due as it was!!

Will try to post some kind of pictures here.... will be hard to do in a timely manner since I am still a film photographer..... I'll put up a valiant effort!

Will I look like this someday?

I certainly hope so!! One of my dearest wishes is for Mark & I to be that funny looking little old couple.... all wrinkly and crazy talking and looking so much alike you know they have been together forever......

Also, I can't wait to do this art project with my class!! Just one of the great ideas I got at the K conference.... Thanks to Diane for so promptly sending me the pictures she took!

The life of a Kindergarten teacher......

Well, this weekend was the 25th anniversary of the CA Kindergarten Conference. I am sooooo grateful that 25 years ago some very commited women organized and started this conference, because collaboration is so crucial in my field of work. There is no world like that of Kindergarten. It's challenges and it's rewards are intrinsically different than those found in other grade levels. I did not have as many "AHHHH HAAAAA" moments this year as I have in the past, but I think I have a better understanding of what ideas will work for me and the students I serve. I won't have as many frustrations as I used to when I tried out virtually every new idea that was thrown my way!

One observation I made about Kindergarten teachers was that there are significantly fewer who wear "cutesy" clothes..... I am afraid the custom jumper lady in the sales area had very little business!! I also see less weird jewelry. In my opinion, there is nothing tackier than a necklace made from variety of fabrics braided with large, shiny clay animals glued onto it!

Thank God for the end of this trend!! I did, however, see 3 ladies with matching mitten sweaters walking around together, and I desperately hoped they were presenting a workshop then changing into appropriate clothing!

Overall I had a great time. I enjoyed the company of my new teaching partner and enjoyed catching up with past comrades. Like I said, collaboration is KEY!

BTW, I was very excited to see someone had left a comment on my blog. When I looked at it I was shocked to see it was a "stranger" correcting me for my stupidity!! I hope I did not offend him too badly.... that was certainly not my intention. But hey, if it gets people to leave comments, I might start making unworldly blanket comments on any number of topics!! Any suggestions?

So what's up?

If anyone out there is wondering what all this talk of "fullness" is, let me clear it up. I lurk about on many a scrapbooking icon's blog, and one of my favorites is Ali Edwards. She actually even has an e zine that I subscribe to. In her e zine she challenged each person to pick a word for the year to focus on, contemplate, etc. I kicked around a variety of words then settled with "fullness" .

This word came to me primarily from listening to Todd Agnew's song "Fullness Found". I really love this song and actually listened to it again and again as I drove to my interview for the job I currently have.

Any way, today Ali Edwards sent out another challenge... to research our word in quotes, etc. I found this one that I really like:

The reality of truth is not to be bought, to be sold, to be repeated; it cannot be caught in books. It has to be found from moment to moment, in the smile, in the tear, under the dead leaf, in the vagrant thought, in the fullness of love.

J. Krishnamurti

I am assuming this J. Krishnamurti has something to do with Hari Krishnas, but I don't care. I like the quote!

Happy Birthday!!

I just wanted to tell my cute baby sister that I hope she had a great birthday......

She is one of those people who make me feel better just by hearing her voice.

She is a FANTASTIC mom.

She is beautiful and takes great care of herself.

She is funny.

She does great impressions of people.

She is one of my best friends.

Happy Birthday! I love you!!

P.S. Sorry this is a day late!!

A little fuller....

Just a little note from today.....

A sweet little guy in my class drew this picture of me on the dry erase board today during free time....

I just love the look of it....

The wild hair blowing in the wind...

The quirky smile.....

The funny little lean that suggests dancing....

Best of all I love the belly button.... my real belly button has not seen the light of day in 16 years!!

Maybe someday soon I will have the courage (and the waistline) to set it free!!

He also drew on boots with zippers down the sides (which was what I was wearing) but unfortunately the copy machine cut them off!!

I am so glad that my class sees me as a happy, quirky, funny teacher. They actually say that to me all the time.... Mrs. Bergenske, you are sooooo silly! soooooo funny!

Today I am blessed.

Fullness Found

What a wonderful vacation I had!! Each day I would sleep and sleep until I couldn't sleep another minute then I'd get up and have day after day of freedom.... no schedules... no obligations.... no commitments..... simply a day of possibilities. I got to choose what to do..... if I felt like being a vegetable, I could..... if I wanted to scrapbook or organize or chat or read or be alone, I could. Each day was a gift I was able to give to myself.

By last Friday, I was beginning to feel the pressure of work looming ahead of me. I could feel my world shrinking.... my freedom rushing away..... my possibilities diminishing. I started to feel stress. I got a headache. Lists of things to finish before Monday started clicking through my head.

But instead of getting down to business and taking care of those lists, I became more and more vegetative. I got grouchy. I began to move more slowly. I tried to hoard my remaining moments of freedom.... just laying down..... watching TV..... slothlike. Any interruption by my family became unwelcome..... I just wanted to shrink up.... shrivel..... waste away in grief over my lost time.

Then, last night, I heard these words.... Please come back soon, life is so much smaller without you here.

It was then that I began to realize that even though it was necessary for me to grieve over my lost freedom, I was gaining so much more. It is such a priveledge to be able to spend my days in the presence of a group of 22 sweet souls who come to school excited about the day's possibilities.... who are full of love and kindness.... who are eager to learn.... who are not yet so afraid of making mistakes that they are paralyzed. Their enthusiasm can be emotionally draining on occasion, but more often it fills me up.

Today as we were going around the circle telling "one thing we did on vacation" a little girl said she got a new puppy. They were not expecting it for 2 weeks, but they heard a knock on the door, and when they opened it, there was they puppy sitting all alone on the step. "Do you think the puppy knocked?" I asked. And the room erupted into giggles.... just the idea of a tiny puppy knocking on the door was enough to fill them up.... It's that appreciation for the everyday moments and simple pleasures that I am working on appreciating. And even beyond that, I need to express my appreciation... to my class, to my husband, to my son and daughter, to my friends and family, to my coworkers.

The fullness does not come by keeping the everyday pleasures to myself but by sharing them.

Fullness Found

fullness

Resolutions

I cannot count how many times my New Year's Resolutions have centered around weight. Exercise at least 4 times per week. Diet by counting calories. Diet by limiting portion size. Diet by giving up sweets. Drink more water.....

Well, this year my resolution is to live this quote.....

Breathe.

Let go.

And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.

It will not matter at the end of my life what size jeans I wore.

I want to live a FULL life. Really live it... every day.