Friday, December 23, 2011

Advent

I remember the year before I was baptized... maybe 1998, advent was the most wonderful of seasons. I was fully engrossed in my classes as a catecumen (sp?) and it was so magical and full of wonder. I was learning so much about myself and God and my relationship to God through Jesus. I was growing as a person, a mom, a wife, a teacher. I was feeling acceptance and love beyond anything I had ever experienced. I was learning to accept and love myself. It was my first year with a teaching job in Kindergarten. I adored my class. I loved my coworkers. There were many complications and some challenges that year, but things just seemed to be coming together.
This year at advent I feel like things are coming apart. I am torn in so many different directions. I am loving my new job, but it is taking up so much of my time. For the two weeks before vacation I was busy from morning to night. I arrived at work by 7:45 and worked at school until 4:30 or 5:00, then came home made dinner and unpacked my bag and worked until 9:30 then looked at the messy kitchen and felt like curling up in a ball and retreating from the world. Then vacation arrived and I started to get caught up again. Then one day my daughter made a poor choice... a very poor choice... and she became grounded for a month in a declaration not spoken by me, a fair consequence, but one I would've liked to discuss. And now chaos has returned. There are angry words and hate-filled looks. Today she announced she will be moving out. She wants to do it immediately, but I have insisted she wait until January 19, when she turns 18. I had been thinking (somewhere in my brain) that I might throw her a surprise party for her birthday this year. Now, I am dreading the date. Will she really go? How will I feel not seeing her each day? How will I sleep at night not knowing where she is or if she's safe?
So in this time of struggle, I turn to the beautiful song that I sang each Sunday in church back in 1998...

For you O Lord, my soul in stillness waits...
Truly my hope is in You.


Please pray for my girl.
Love, Nancy

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