A thought for today...

Jesus’ Sensitivity…Fr. Ron Rolheiser
He took with him Peter, James, and John, and began to be troubled and distressed. Then he said to them, “My soul is sorrowful even to death” (Mk 14:33-34).
Michael Buckley, the American Jesuit, once did a fascinating study of Jesus and Socrates, comparing them in terms of human excellence. The result? In many aspects, Jesus appears to be the weaker of the two men.

This, of course, must be properly understood. Weakness here does not refer to moral weakness, but to something else. What?

Here are Buckley’s words:

There is a classic comparison running through contemporary philosophy between Socrates and Jesus, a judgment between them in human excellence. Socrates went to his death with calmness and poise. He accepted the judgment of the court, discoursed on the alternatives suggested by death and the dialectical indications of immortality, found no cause for fear, drank the poison and died. Jesus - how much to the contrary. Jesus was almost hysterical with terror and fear, “with loud cries and tears to him who was able to save him from death.” He looked repeatedly to his friends for comfort and prayed for an escape from death, and he found neither. Finally he established control over himself and moved into his death in silence and lonely isolation, even into the terrible interior suffering of the hidden divinity, the absence of God.

I once thought that this was because Socrates and Jesus suffered different deaths, the one so much more terrible than the other; the pain and agony of the cross so overshadowing the release of the hemlock. But now I think that this explanation, though correct as far as it runs, is superficial and secondary. Now I believe that Jesus was a more profoundly weak man than Socrates, more liable to physical pain and weariness, more sensitive to human rejection and contempt, more affected by love and hate. Socrates never wept over Athens. Socrates never expressed sorrow and pain over the betrayal of friends. He was possessed and integral, never overextended, convinced that the just person could never suffer genuine hurt. And for this reason, Socrates—one of the greatest and most heroic people who has ever existed, a paradigm of what humanity can achieve within the individual—was a philosopher. And for the same reason, Jesus of Nazareth was a priest—ambiguous, suffering, mysterious, and salvific.

In what way precisely was Jesus a weaker man than Socrates?

In his incapacity to protect himself against pain, in his vulnerability, and in the interior anguish and exterior humiliation that this congenital, moral trait inevitably produces. In contemporary language, Socrates was simply set together better as a human being than Jesus was, at least in terms of how we normally judge this.
In Socrates there was, certainly in the face of opposition and death, a poise, an ease, an interior peace, and an attractive calm that was absent in Jesus. Socrates was “cool” in a way that Jesus wasn’t. Socrates always looked attractive. Jesus didn’t. Jesus sweated blood (no glamour there), shed tears that he was unable to hide, and was stripped naked and humiliated in front of his loved ones. You don’t look attractive when that happens and you can’t hide the pain of that from others.

And yet, that’s exactly what we most want to do. In our world there’s a powerful, omnipresent pressure (put forth even in the name of religion, humanity, and maturity) to protect ourselves against pain and humiliation, to never, never be vulnerable enough so as to risk falling flat on our faces. At all cost, no matter what other kinds of pain we must endure, we don’t want to be caught needy, being the one who has to ask, the one who has to beg, the one who’s embarrassed, the one who doesn’t look good.

And so we try to arrange ourselves, our lives, and our relationships in such a way so as not to be too affected by things, so as avoid the tension of interior anguish, and so as to never risk not looking good. The attractive persona (“cool”) of Socrates more than the humble, all-too human, tears of Jesus is our ideal.

But, and this is the point, by protecting ourselves in this way we don’t ever become vulnerable enough to enter into an intimacy with others and the world that is salvific and priestly. We never save anyone, even though we look good. What’s meant by that?

To love is to care. But as soon as we begin to do that, we open our self to weakness, sensitivity, and humiliation. Why?

Because to be sensitive is to know that it’s better to be sad than bitter, better to be hurting than hard, better to shed tears than be indifferent, better to taste death than never risk living, better to feel rejection than never to have loved, better to groan in interior anguish than to prematurely resolve tension, and better, for the sake of love, family, faith, and commitment, to sometimes look the fool, the needy one, the simpleton, than to always successfully hide what’s most true inside us so as to be the one who never has a hair, a feeling, or an opinion that’s out of place.

Procrastination

So, have I ever told you my theory about why I am such a procrastinator? The idea comes from way back in the 80's... when I was in good old pyschology 101 in college. You see, we learned about stuttering. About what reinforces the stuttering person. When a stutter develops, the person feels tension, stress, etc. building up inside them. Then, when the words are finally released, there is a natural relaxation... a kind of internal reward. The more severe the stuttering problem, the more severe the stress, and, consequently, the more pleasurable the release.
For me, I follow this same pattern with procrastinating. The longer I put something off, the more I worry about it, the more stress builds up over it. Then, when I finally complete the task there is a great relief, a great feeling of accomplishment. Sometimes I will have a little task to do... for example, going online and ordering books for parents at school. It takes about 15 minutes if I don't dally around, but I have been carrying around those blasted book orders since March 10. I keep thinking about it, worrying about it, wondering... should get express shipping? Can I afford to buy anything? Will there be books available for my Literacy Night in May? And on and on, so tonight when I finally took the few minutes to complete the book order it felt like I had REALLY ACCOMPLISHED something. The stress is gone.
Now, if only my classroom memory books were up to date!

In Shock!

So here's a quote I came across on Ali Edwards' blog:
Souza : For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This persective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one.
It's weird, because I was just beginning to feel like real life was starting. We were so settled and happy here in our new home. Of course, with 2 teenagers in the house things are always a little up in the air. I am always wondering (and worrying) what they have going on in their lives that I do not know about... But, overall, it just felt like a comfortable, mostly obstacle free, happy life.
Then, Monday happened. On Monday, Mark found out that among many other cuts at his place of work, his job was being eliminated. I was in complete and utter shock. The first words out of my mouth were actually, "You're joking." I spent most of Monday in a daze. Tuesday I was depressed and cried pretty much off and on all day. By Wednesday I had moved on to righteous indignation, and was spending most of my free time telling off all of the upper management at his company from my soapbox in my head. Today I think I am nearing acceptance. Mark, of course, has handled it all wonderfully. He keeps "looking at the bright side" and is really calm and focuses on "keeping all his options open." I actually overheard him say to someone on the phone that he is "looking at it as a new challenge." He also has a couple of different job opportunities lined up. I am really proud of him and his resilient spirit. I also worry a little that I might be married to Pollyanna! Just kidding, of course. Overall I am sure we will be fine. We will be making some changes around here to make ends meet again. I am giving up my darling Volvo. We are trying to sell our week in Cabo. I will teach summer school without using the money to buy my dream camera. There will be no more HBO. The heat has already been readjusted, so sweaters are often necessary. It's not the end of the world. We aren't moving. We aren't losing our lovely new home. We aren't selling the kids into a life of slavery. :-) So, here we are again.... only 4 short months after our last big obstacle was overcome. We ar trying to find happiness in this life. Our life.

P.S. In light of our recent upset, it would be nice if all you lurkers (like the 5 of you who actually read my blog) would come out of lurkerdom and announce yourself for me with a little comment. Especially Olivia and Veronica. I know you girls are reading this, so say something. THANKS!

Aaahhhhh....

It's Friday, fabulous Friday. Had a good day at school, even with several people sick from the flu. We ended our celebration of Dr. Seuss' birthday by eating green eggs and ham. One little guy sat with his lips sealed tight and just stared at me. There was NO way he was gonna try even one bite. I did my best to encourage him to be brave, but he wasn't having any of it. Another boy took one bite and announced he didn't like it, but then when everyone else kept going on and on about how good it was, he took another bite and decided he liked it, then ate the whole plate.
Now I'm home. Pepper is at my feet alternating between chewing chunks of plastic off of his pig and licking it. Occasionally he whacks me in the leg with it, and I reach down and throw the slimy thing across the room for him. I am listening to this new all hits radio station and so far I've heard "Eye of the Tiger" (which I hate) and some weird 70's song I swear I've never heard and some Air Supply. They are NOT on a roll.
I am looking forward to (maybe) talking Mark into taking me out to dinner, and to sleeping in tomorrow, and to going to a fun wine tasting in Tuolumne Co in April, and to someday owning a digital camera so I can post more pictures here.

Book Update

Last year I found this list of 100 books everyone should read on goodreads.com. I was really excited about it because it was actually a list that I had read a good portion of. So here's an update of how many of these books I have read since I first posted the list. Check it out: (items with * I have read... items with * that are bold are ones I've read since I found the list)
*1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
*2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
*3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
*4. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
*5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible (some more of it)
*7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
*10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
*12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch-22 - Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare
*15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
*16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
*18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19. The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot
*21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
*30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
*33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
*34. Emma - Jane Austen
*35. Persuasion - Jane Austen
*36. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
*37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
*39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40. Winnie-the-Pooh - AA Milne (some of it)
41. Animal Farm - George Orwell
*42. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
45. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
*46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
*48. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
*49. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50. Atonement - Ian McEwan
*51. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52. Dune - Frank Herbert
53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
*54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
*59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
*60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
*61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
*62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
*64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
*68. Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70. Moby-Dick - Herman Melville
71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72. Dracula - Bram Stoker
*73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses - James Joyce
*76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78. Germinal - Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80. Possession - A. S. Byatt
81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
*85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
*87. Charlotte's Web - EB White
*88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
*91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94. Watership Down - Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98. Hamlet - William Shakespeare
*99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

So, only 5 new ones in the last several months, I am going to have to get refocused! What's new that you are reading?

A mini challenge

So over at The Sunday School Rebel blog (which is one of the many places I lurk on the internet) She had up a little challenge about opening the 6th picture from the 6th folder in your pictures and telling the story of it.
This is what I found. The statues at the Hoover Dam. A couple of summers ago, we took the kids and went to Las Vegas for a week. I had never been to Las Vegas. It was not a great trip. It was super hot (duh!), and we kept thinking we could walk places since they looked so close together on the map, but we would walk and walk in the heat with weirdos flicking cards about hookers at us and like an hour later we would end up at our destination, with sore feet and grumpy constitutions. One day, we drove out to Hoover Dam and took a tour. It was pretty remarkable. The sheer size of it was just enough to take your breath away. I thought these statues were lovely. I think they were near the sign that talks about how the story (the one that says the workers who fell into the concrete as they were building the dam were buried alive) is not true. It was pretty funny because Mark told us this story in the car on our way out there, and we were all impressed by it. But, nope, just another urban legend. Anyway, here's to randomly recording a little memory.
Happy Thursday!
Love, Nancy

Fasting and Feasting

Today is Ash Wednesday. I have recently begun to travel back to church. I've gone maybe 3 or 4 weeks now. It is beginning to feel familiar and comfortable. Then, the priest announced the closeness of Lent. It took me by surprise. And when I read that Ash Wednesday was a fasting day, I immediately felt a sense of discomfort. I have never felt "right" about fasting. It always put me in a bad mood. I am a stickler about eating 3 good solid meals every day. And, on fasting days, you are allowed 2 small meals (less than half a regular meal) and one regular meal. You are not allowed meat, and no snacking. To say the least, this does not fit into my regular schedule.
But, this year I prayed and prayed that I could accept the fasting and use this as an opportunity to feel a hunger for God in my life. It was the best fasting day I have experienced. I also decided on what I am going to "do" for Lent. It is pretty traditional to "give up" something....instead I am going to work on reaching out to someone each day. I will take the time to call or write or email someone I care about... someone I don't keep in regular contact with. This is my commitment for the next 40 days. So, if you are reading this and you don't want to talk to me, you'd better start screening your calls! :-)
Happy Ash Wednesday
I hope you are also experiencing a renewal in your life.
Love, Nancy

To Do list for the week:

1. Work out every day
2. Get at least some pages completed in classroom memory books.
3. Make a Dr's appt.
4. Get a garage door opener for my side of the garage.
5. Get Gina's address.
6. Mail packages to Michelle and Gina.
7. Clean off the HORRID back shelf in my classroom.
8. Do something fun with my family.
9. Clean out my "junk drawer."
10. Blog about something interesting.

So far I'm 0/10!

No Stories

I just can't seem to get myself interested in blogging lately. I guess I just do not have any stories to tell right now. Here is a quick and dirty (or maybe boring) rundown of what been going on....
Well, last Friday, I found out my dd had lied about where she spent the previous Friday night, so we've had a week of restriction for her with 2 more to go. Ironic after my previous post.
I am REALLY trying to lose 3 pounds this month. I haven't touched any of the yummy stuff in my cupboard left over from the 100th day of school, and I even passed on Cindyanna's (allegedly) delicious cupcakes today. Tomorrow I will be inundated with chocolates from my little sweeties at school, but I am planning to bring it all home for the family.
I am looking forward to having all of next week off from school to start on my class's memory books. I hope to not be up until 3 am the night before the last day of school working on them as I have been known to do.
I am reading a pretty interesting book right now called The 19th Wife. It is about the beginning of the Mormon Church with a current day murder mystery all wrapped up inside. I like it so far.
I am watching these shows on TV:
The Bachelor, The Biggest Loser, LOST, Grey's Anatomy, ER, & Friday Night Lights.
I also end up watching many news type shows on Fox News and CNN because I love my husband and want to spend time with him and that is all he watches. These shows exhaust me.
I guess that's all for now...

I can hear them laughing...

together.
Just 15 short years ago this picture was taken. And this amazing life... so vibrant and forceful and FULL became a part of our days. She was our sweet little girl and we adored her. She certainly wasn't what we expected. She's a naturally gifted athlete who hates sports. She struggles a bit in school but works hard and is pretty successful. She is passionate about things. She shares her passion in ways that will sometimes break your eardrums. And, unfortunately, she and her Daddy have had a really hard time getting along lately. But tonight, they are sitting on the couches in the living room watching a movie together JUST THE TWO OF THEM. I can hear them laughing together. I hear little comments verging on pleasant conversation. My heart is so full of gratitude for this that it is about to burst. I would love more than anything to have a picture of this moment. But I can't risk breaking the spell. I just can't. It is too precious.

Words of Wisdom

My dear friend Karen emailed this to me and it struck a chord in my heart.

Concentrate on this Sentence

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.'
When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

Concentrate on this sentence... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

Things I've never had:
a healthy body image (when I weighed 100 lb I was bony... now I am chubby with a muffin top)
a strong sense of self esteem (although, it has slowly gotten better over the years)
the ability to talk comfortably to strangers (I avoid manicures, pedicures, even haircuts because I dread that small talk you have to make... until I get to know the stylist, then I'm OK)
the confidence to run (like exercise run) in public (I think I breathe too hard, and I turn really red)

So, I am making time to listen to God... to hear his plan for me.... if I acquire any of the above things I long for, then I will know my life is doubly blessed. Just like I said at the beginning of 2009... I am lucky.

Blessed Friday

I just love Fridays. Friday is the saviour of my week. Around Thursday night, I start to feel a releasing of tension... an easing of stress, and I know it's the promise of Friday.... just waiting out there for me.
Then, when Friday actually gets here I feel so free... at reading group today, the kinders wrote about their dreams for the world (aka MLK Jr.) and that took only a few minutes, so we wrote and drew on dry erase boards and played games with sight words and letters. At phonics time we had a "snowball fight" with sight words. They wrote a word on a piece of paper, then balled it up. When I yelled "go" we threw the "snowballs" at each other across the block shelf. Then when I yelled "stop" we grabbed a "snowball" and opened it and read it to 3 people.
Later, at home, the promise of the weekend just beckons to me. How many choices to make... will I scrapbook? get a little tipsy on Mike's Hard Lemonade? go out? call a friend I haven't kept up with? Maybe. I will for sure get caught up on laundry, clean my parts of the house, do the shopping, make some real meals we will eat at the table together, and work out everyday. These "for sures" make me feel productive. Content. I will also FOR SURE wear those hideous baggy unflattering sweats you see above and my new comfy (fake) fur lined slippers. I will sleep in. I will watch "Friday Night Lights".
Friday is my time to re-energize. Thank you, God, for blessing me with Fridays.

Bad Mama

So over the course of this week, two very important people had birthdays in our house. On Monday, my baby girl turned 15. And yesterday, the boy turned 17. I had these big plans to take photos of each of them on their day, and give them cards with heart warming (yet true) sentiments of how much each of them means to me. Somehow it just didn't happen. I feel like a bad mama, a neglectful mama, a horrible mama. Considering the fact that no one has called me "mama" in this house for about 10 years, it is ironic. I feel certain that my disappointment is much greater than theirs is. There are so few living at home birthdays left to celebrate. Now, don't think I'm a total slacker.... we did go out to dinner 2 separate times to celebrate, and we had a little family party here as well, but it just doesn't feel complete. These teenage birthdays are big milestones. I want to make them memorable.

And since I don't have any current pictures, here they are circa 1995 when the boy was about 3 and the girl was just over 1. Don't worry, she dug her way out of there just fine.

Heart

Life is short. Break the rules. Forgive quickly. Kiss slowly. Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile.



With all the turmoil in the world these days, it's nice to be reminded of the simple things.

Heart

Good to be Back

It was such a nice feeling to be back at work. I enjoyed seeing my colleagues. I really enjoyed being busy. I really, really enjoyed hanging out with my students. I changed the schedule around again, so instead of cleaning up at the morning bell and jumping right into work, we played until 8:50 or so. It was such a relaxing way to start the day. After that, we came together and had "circle time". I got to hear all about who stayed the night with who and who got a "Intendo DS" for Christmas. We read a story about snow, then they went to music. After music we had snack and recess. Thankfully, the rain stopped and they were able to slush around out in the chips instead of being cooped up inside. After that we read about penguins, used our bodies as globes to compare Arctic and Antarctic wildlife, then painted giant penguins on 12x18 inch paper. After lunch we learned 2 new letters, did our calendar and math, had P.E. and read a story. Then, (here was the real reason for the schedule change) we did our writing. We had 30 uninterupted minutes to do 2 writing activities. It was fabulous. Only Joaquin said, "We didn't get to play." after I announced it was time to go home.... you see, playing used to happen at the end of the day, not the beginning. I wonder if he will get it tomorrow?
I am off to watch the new "Bachelor"... I always preferred Jason, so I am glad they're giving him another chance. I'll be cutting out 20 giant penguins while I watch.

A post on The Shipping News (and love)

So last night I went to bed around 7:30, got super cozy and warm and finished reading The Shipping News. This book has been on my list of books to read for quite a while, so I was really looking forward to it. It is about an odd guy named Quoyle who is fairly unsuccessful in life. He never really finds a job he's good at. His one friend moves to California. And the woman he chooses as a wife treats him horribly and constantly cheats on him. Then, on a fateful day, the wife, Petal, steals their 2 daughters, sells them to a pervert and is killed in a car crash. The girls are brought back unharmed thank goodness, and Quoyle moves to Newfoundland, place of his ancestors, with an Aunt he has just met. While in Newfoundland Quoyle meets and interacts with many suprising and odd people. He becomes pretty good at his job. He makes a few friends. He does several things which people think are stupid (which does not surprise him). And he does several things for which people congratulate him (this really surprises him). Throughout the book he comes into an acceptance of himself as those around him accept him. He also learns that love doesn't always have to a red hot fire full of pain, but can also be (and in my opinion truly is) a place of warmth, safety and comfort, free from pain. I think this is a book that will stay with me for a while... as I continue on my slow journey to accept myself, and live my life day to day (enjoying simple pleasures), and learn to love more fully.

Another Day

1. I put away all of the Christmas Decorations and 1 (of 3) of the trees.
2. I slept late and talked to Cindyanna today. (Both always a pleasure)
3. I haven't had lunch yet, and it is 3:42 p.m.
4. I gave Pepper his squeaker pig back this morning, and he promptly began to squeak it. After about 40 minutes, I put the squeaker pig back up on the shelf. Pepper proceeded to jump and whine and yelp for it for the next 10 minutes. Now he has forgotten aobut it.
5. I have been crying off and on since last night with the fear that I have alienated 3 of my closest friends. I keep praying one of them will call me, but at this late hour of the day, it doesn't look good. It was entirely my fault, I acted like an idiot. I feel hopeless.
6. In the midst of this day, I am trying to remember the things I love about my life. I am still so lucky to be me.

Lucky

For the last couple of years, I have been choosing a word for the year to help guide me in my path. First I had "fullness". Last year it was "welcome". This year I have chosen "lucky". I flipped through the thesaurus for a while. I thought and thought. It finally came down to the sweet necklace Anne gave to me for my birthday. It is a fortune cookie and has a little tab off the side that says "lucky". Every time I wear it, I think of all of the blessings in my life. So this year I am going to go back to the process of making a gratitiude journal. Each night before I go to sleep I will write list of things I feel blessed my day.
If you are interested in choosing a word, you can go to Ali Edwards' blog. The link is on my side bar.

Happy New Year!

Scrap Fever

So the last few days I have had scrap fever! It all started when I scrapped those cute pictures of that adorable Caitlyn. Then, I just couldn't stop. I have been ignoring the laundry, my looming workload (only 5 more days until I have to be Kindergarten ready... ack!), the list of phone calls I needed to make this week, everything! But, I actually finished Kyla's 2005-2006 book. It has 42 pages of 8 1/2 by 11 goodness. I started this book in 2006 (when I made the "Be a Gypsy" layout) you can go by and look at it in my 2006 archives if you want. This morning I made the layout above.... one of my favorites. I just love this picture of Kyla and Pepper. So now I have been looking at the pictures in Mason's 2006 album. It is a photo sleeve album, so even though it has 32 pages, it should come together pretty quickly. Hopefully before 2010!

Little Accomplishments

So today was a fairly productive day.
1. I made 2 scrapbook layouts of sweet Cindyanna's Caitlyn. This is the first... well, part of it anyway. I have photoshopped it a little to protect the innocent!
2. I ironed 3 very large, very wrinkly kitchen chair covers for our kitchen area. You know, those cool ones they have in the Pottery Barn catalog which are made of linen or something. Mine came from Target and are made of cotton or something equally difficult to get wrinkles out of. They look a heck of a lot better than my old chairs, though! (I did this while watching Harry Potter)
3. I dusted the entire living room area. (While still watching Harry Potter)
4. I organized all of my 2008 pictures into 6 places... a family album to be scrapbooked, K's album to be scrapbooked, M's album to be scrapbooked, 3 little mini albums for events, a sleeve type of album for pictures I don't want to scrapbook, and the trash. This took a very long while and used up all of my energy. I had to keep moving things out of the "to be scrapbooked" albums and into the sleeve album. I had vowed not to add any pages to the album of pictures to be scrapbooked, and it was full by October or so. Anyway, it is done, and I am thinking I may work a little on my "Welcome 2008" album. I think there's a post about it somewhere in January if you're interested.

Anyway, here's to little accomplishments! Cheers!

Peace, Love and Merry Days

Just wanted to say I hope your days this week are full of peace and love and merriment. Last Saturday, my mom and my sister and her 3 girls and my 1 girl all loaded up and drove through ice and sleet and snow to go to Granny's Christmas party. It was a terrific day with lots of laughter and chatting and catching up. I am always amazed at how lively and energetic my Granny is at 76. I pray for that when I am older. On the way home we stopped and played in the snow for a little bit.
Here is Kyla looking awkward.

And Alyssa. Gotta love those teenagers!

Here is Madi getting ready to whack me with a snowball.

Alivia chasing someone.

And my favorite is my mom. She was really into the snowball fight. Every time she threw a snowball she would stick her tongue out. I wish I'd have gotten a picture of that!

Merry Christmas!

The post in which....

I apologize for feeling so sorry for myself like a big blubber-er.
Anyway, things are feeling much less hectic around here now. I have finished my work (at school anyway) for 2008, and I don't think I forgot anything really important.
Wrapped and sent students' presents? CHECK
Gave gifts/cards to work people? CHECK
Sent gifts to parent helpers home? CHECK
Put items in bags for custodians and secretaries? CHECK
Sent home giant bags full of work and messy gingerbread houses? CHECK
Ate delicious piece of cake left on my desk by former parent? OOOOOPS!

Uh oh! I hope their aren't any ants in my room when I get back to work next week!

A quick note (or maybe not so quick)

Life is so complicated sometimes. For so many days and weeks and months we have been waiting for our house to sell. We have been kind of on hold... like we are not living our life like we should until the house sells... like we can't be happy until the house sells... like nothing is ever sweet enough or completely fulfilling until the house sells.

Well, now the house has sold, and I have fallen into a deep dark hole of depression. For about 4 weeks now, off and on, I have been sleeping poorly, eating unhealth-ily, exercising irregularly, and feeling horrible. I dream about which drawer or cupboard the pots and pans should go in. I wake up in the middle of the night worrying about getting recycling containers. I carry pictures around the house for hours wondering where I should hang them. I feel frantic and frenetic for 18 hours of most every day.

I know part of this is due to hormones (I have been seeing a doctor to help with issues dealing with peri-menopause), but also I think I have just been under this enormous weight of pressure for so long, that I am going through a period of decompression. I am shedding the weight of all of that expectation and waiting and disappointment mostly through tears (I can feel them building up in the back of my throat even now), but I am also yelling at my kids too much and snapping at my husband too much. It is getting better little by little. Soon I hope to be back to normal. I am wishing you will keep checking in here, and not write me off as hopeless.

I will be back, I promise.

Love, Nancy

Taking a Break

I know it's a little late to be telling you this, but obviously life has gotten too complicated, and I need a little blogging break. Will try to get back before Christmas, but no promises.

Moving update....

Well, our "old" house's sale closed about a week ago, and our new house sale closed on Friday!! I just can't believe we are back in the business of living in a house we love! The electricity has been out over there (at the new house) and PG&E can't hook it back up until tomorrow, so we can't move in just yet, but today we went over and started painting the kitchen. It was a bright mossy green color, which in my opinion didn't look great with all the taupe and brown and red on the other walls (which I LOVE!) so I decided to paint the kitchen a sunny light yellow! We got one wall all finished, and it looks terrific! We could have done more, but the first coat just wasn't drying fast enough in the Arctic weather we were having today.... also, the light was beginning to fade. So, tomorrow I will be back at it all by myself. I have so many goals of things to get done this week while I am off work, that I know the week is gonna fly right by!

My week

I am feeling super fragmented and stretched out this week.
I had a delightful weekend in Tuolumne County. I drank wine and lemondrops and even some beer. I hung out and chatted with lots of wonderful old friends. I collected the sparse remnants of a previous life from the nooks and crannies and cubbyholes of my past home to make it ready for it's new owners. I breathed in the crisp dry air of the Sierras. It was lovely.
Then, it was home and work and busy, busy, busy. The highlight of my week has been meeting Caitlin. (You can click on over to Cindy's blog and meet her, too!) I got to hold her sweet little soft, sighing self for 40 minutes or so. Ahhh.
Buying a new home is complicated. More paperwork and jumping through hoops than I remember. More stress as well... since we've had such trials in this journey we are always expecting the worst. We could use some prayers for this if you're so inclined.
I am looking forward to the weekend. I have LOTS of plans. Too many I am sure, but hopefully some boxes will be packed, some sleep will be caught up on, some work (house, school and exercise) will be accomplished.

She's Here!

The call is in! Who cares who the president is.... Caitlin Marie is born!! Yay for Cindy and Dennis! P. S. This is not a picture of her... I just snagged it off the net.

Election Day

Well, after work, I hustled up to my polling place, not sure what I would find since I had heard lots of reports of long lines, etc. But, as usual, things went fine. I didn't have to wait at all, and it took me about 15 seconds to fill in all the bubbles I chose on my ballot. I won't bore anyone with talk of what I vote for or against or who I chose, as for me this is too personal of information to share on the web. I actually refuse to talk about politics with anyone except those who are closest to me. It infuriates K that I won't tell her who I voted for.

More exciting than the presidential election, for sure, is the knowledge that sweet Cindyanna is as we speak giving birth to her new baby girl. I just can't wait to meet her! Will definitely post a picture of her as soon as I get within 10 feet of her with my camera.

SOLD!

After 874 days, our house finally sold. We have been in escrow several times before, but this time I really think it will go through. It is a cash offer. Very positive. I should be jumping for joy, but all I can do is wish and hope that we will be able to afford a house here that we like.

A birthday boy

So, since it hasn't been that long since I gushed about how much I love my wonderful husband, but I thought I'd list a few reasons why I want him to have a wonderful birthday:
1. He has been really stressed out at work, but still does all his helping out at home and is almost always in a good mood.
2. He has been super supportive and wonderful during our "trials" while trying to sell our home.
3. He is getting all handsome with his smiley eyes and a few (very few) gray hairs.
4. He is always the first person I want to see when I am happy or sad or stressed out or anything.
5. He is really knowledgable about politics and history and money management (which are all the things I know very little about).
6. He is my prince charming.

Love you, babe.

Digging my way out...

I really have felt like I am buried under a gi-normous pile of crap lately.... School work needing to be cut or glued or hung up or taken down, class book pages needing covers and bindings, dirty dishes and unfolded socks... Yuck!

But this week I am beginning to dig my way up out of the pile. I have less stuff scattered around my room. I have faithfully been doing the dishes right after dinner. I have my eye on the dreaded sock basket. Soon, I think. Soon I will see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just hope it is not a mirage!

Going, going, gone

Life feels like it is rushing by in giant, swooshing chunks. I am busy doing chores or working out or shopping or reading a book or getting stuff ready for school and WALLA! 2 hours are gone! I am shocked almost every time I look at the clock. There are just not enough moments in my days. So, I am pledging to take some big, deep cleansing breaths (like my friend Cindy will be taking very soon when her sweet, bubble blowing baby girl is born) and SLOW DOWN. I will find time to enjoy my days. I will find time to listen when my husband is talking. I will find time to hug my kids. I will find time to appreciate my students. I will find time to answer my emails. I will find time to blog more than once a week. I promise, I will.

Beautiful Day

Such a beautiful day... Sun shining, a project with our big buddies (who we adore). Even though things were set to go badly... in a classic Monday way... I arrived at work at my regular time. I proceeded to glance at my lesson plan book and realize that I forgot to buy the ingredients for a cooking project I needed to make (twice... once for my class, once for the other). After pacing around irritated for a bit, I decided to drive up to the little market at morning recess for supplies, but the oned I had planned (a colorful trail mix) didn't seem likely, so I just completely made up a new project... bread slices cut with cookie cutters then covered with apple butter or peanut butter and some sprinkles and exactly 4 chocolate chips. The students followed the recipe and LOVED the food. It turned out pretty well. Then, a long staff meeting that didn't bother me at all. And not getting home until 5:30. Then dinner and watching 4 long and blissful hours of LOST on Sci Fi (It's now a commercial) while glueing labels on 24 color books for tomorrow. Somehow it still feels like a beautiful day. Was it the sun? Was it that my hormones are finally coming under control and I'll no longer be a raving lunatic? I really can't say, but it was nice to feel content.

I want you to know...

Even when I am snappy or yell at you, I love you.
I miss the way you used to run up and hug me when I got home.
You can call me anytime you are in trouble.... I want you to always put your safety first.
My happiest nights are when there is laughter at the dinner table with all four of us there.
If I could, I would make all your wishes come true... but would that really make you happy?
I worry sometimes because you say you do not believe in God, but I was full of questions at your age, then I grew to love God and have a personal relationship with him, and I pray you will too.
I want you to find something you love to do, that you are passionate about, and make it your life's work.
I think the world is a better place because you are in it.
Even when I am snappy or yell at you, I love you.

Yikes!

I knew I had been neglecting my blog life, but wow, I didn't realized it had been WEEKS! Do I have an excuse? Not really. Unless you count menstruating for 16 days straight and counting. So sorry if that is TMI for most of you, but it's all I've got going on. Am wondering what my gyno will say to this info. The original appointment didn't really resolve any of my issues.

I have been glued to the TV lately, LOST for 4 hours every Monday night on Sci Fi. It's the first seasons episodes which I haven't seen yet, and I am reveling in every single detail. The Biggest Loser on Tuesday... hate that obnoxious brown team! Project Runway on Wednesdays... getting down to the last few. I like Leanne. That does not bode well for her, as my fashion tastes do not usually mesh with those snooty judges. Thursdays are, Of course, Grey's Anatomy (which I thought was really blah and boring last week) and ER (which was great, and I had to watch it on the computer later, cause I missed it for a so so episode of Grey's... won't make that mistake again!)

Mark and I are still into working out. I am averaging 5-6 days per week even with school in session. That is pretty good for me. We walk together 3 or so days per week... with our naughty little Pepper in tow. It is good for our marriage. It gives us time together without distractions (except trying to keep Pepper from attacking a German Shepherd and being eaten in one gulp), we talk about everything that's going on. I must say I am more up to date on financial news and politics than I have ever been in my life! It also gives us time to come up with strategies for dealing with those 2 teenagers that live in our house. I'm telling you, if you try to deal with them spur of the moment, you are toast. They are ruthless, so we have our planning sessions while we walk. And, we work out our disagreements... so then we can present a united front. This is also very important... divide and conquer is a teenager's best technique!

Anyway, nothing of excitement around here. Just living life day to day. Trying to appreciate the beauty and embrace the absurd... or at least laugh at it.

Never Forget

After 7 years it seems some have forgotten. Certainly the feelings of this day are not as raw as they were. I just wanted to put a little tribute out there. To let people know I haven't forgotten. I chose this video primarily because of the song. These are the perfect words.

What a Kicker!!

One of the hardest things for me about living 400 miles away from my family for 10 years was special events. You know, when your kids have their Christmas program or football game or first communion. And their you sit, just you and your husband (or maybe just you if your husband works over 70 hours most weeks, which is what mine did). There's no extended family. No one cheering with you.
So, when my sister told me my niece Madi had her first soccer game on Saturday, I was happy to rearrange my schedule to be there.
And, boy, was it a game! Madi scored 3 goals and was right in there on every play. She is just a natural athlete and had fun to boot!
I am so glad I was there to capture this picture, and the memory in my heart to go with it. It is truly priceless.

For my Girl

Some things I want to remember about you right now...

1. How you occasionally still call me "Mommy"
2. How you are good at confessing things to try to eliminate or reduce the magnitude of problems.
3. How you get completely angry whenever we say you cannot do something you really want to do.
4. That you made 2 necklaces to wear. One with five simple beads and one with the caps off of energy drinks.
5. That you and I keep stealing the hairspray from each other and really need separate cans.
6. That you like Pikachu and have a pikachu toy you sleep with.
7. How you are waiting so patiently for your braces.
8. That you listen to screamer metal at the computer while you are working or on My Space.
9. How you don't really pay much attention to Pepper, but worry about him if you think he's in danger.
10. That when I look into your eyes I see beauty and caring and intelligence and (usually) a little bit of annoyance.

Berry cobbler

Just thought I'd make a list of things going WELL lately:

1. We spent a wonderful Sunday at my paren't BBQing. I ate a huge steak and drank a whole bottle of wine. We walked through the berry briars (there's a path) to this gigantic old walnut tree. I have so many wonderful memories of that walnut tree. I was dying because I forgot my camera.

2. I did not have a hangover Monday.

3. I have been exercising regularly even though school is back in session.

4. K had her first day of school today. Thank goodness, she finally has something productive to do!

5. I bought myself a cute outfit yesterday with my birthday money. It's some tan woven material bermuda shorts with a cuff and a dark brown camisole with a printed dark brown top.

6. Most of my class is really getting the hang of the Kindergarten "routine". We are starting to have fun!

7. I made a blackberry cobbler with the berries we picked on Sunday. Yum!

8. I have a really good feeling that our house is going to sell soon.... hope it's not bad luck to post that!! Let's hope I'm not just getting my hopes up again!

Bye for now!

Why I'd Marry Him All Over Again

1. Because after 20 years I still get goosebumps when he breathes on the back of my neck.
2. Because of all the times we've stayed up half the night talking and laughing and sharing our stories and dreams.
3. Because he's taken me on so many wonderful adventures.
4. Because he taught me what it means to be a hard worker.
5. Because he loves me just as I am,but challenges me to be the best me I can be.
6. Because he really listens to what I have to say (if football is not on the TV)
7. Because when I lay my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat, all the stresses and sorrows of my day just melt away.
8. Because he loves our children more than words can say.
9. Because on the second day I knew him, he said he was like a rock and would never change. And, even though he has grown and changed over the years, he's always been my rock. Steady and reliable.
10. Because this morning he pulled me close and said, "I love you more now than I did the day I married you."

Happy Anniversary, Mark. I love you too.

We're off and running...

Today was the first day of school, and I am noticably less tired than I usually am after the first day of Kindergarten. My class was amazingly well behaved until lunch then pretty normal (meaning a few blips) during the last hour. I came home and have been working on school stuff for a few hours so now it's time to have a little me time. I keep thinking I should do some working out, but I think I'll read my book for awhile and fall asleep with my face on it.

In the Land of Kindergarten

Collaboration among teachers is a big deal to me, so I have started a new blog about Kindergarten in the hopes of reaching some teachers out there who (like me) are voracious in the desire to gain as many ways as possible to make their classrooms the best they can be. I don't think I am "the expert", but I think I have some good ideas, and I'd like to share them and maybe meet some other teachers who can reciprocate. So, go on over and check it out!

Love, Nancy

Math

Today I went to a workshop with the renowned Kim Sutton, and I learned some new math!!!! It was so much fun! We learned about digital roots of numbers. At first it just seems like something kind of fun and why does it really matter, and the WALL-AH, you can do all this amazing stuff with it! By the time I got home I was bursting to show Mark all about it. I am so glad he is weird like me and loves to learn new things and talk about them!

On a different note, K went to the salon yesterday and after $148 and 5 hours of "coloring" looks pretty darn good. I will try to get a picture of her soon.

Bad Hair

So, for a few months Kyla has been really wanting to dye her hair light, light, light blonde. I have been skeptical, but told her it was her hair and if she bought the dye (or paid for the appointment) then I didn't have a problem with it. She didn't have any money, however, because she owed us for overusing her cell phone minutes and charging lunches at school. So, Thursday she finally earned enough money to pay off her debt, then yesterday she did a bunch of chores to go and buy her hair dye. She wanted me to do it. I carefully read the direction over several times then we cut a little piece off the back of her hair to do the strand test. I swear, I followed those directions exactly. We did everything just as it said. I was a little worried that we didn't get quite enough dye on the last part.... the roots. But, as it was lightening up, it looked pretty good. I was blissfully watching "Rock the Reception" when I heard Kyla yell.... "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!" So I ran back to the bathroom. She was completely freaked out. The roots had turned the super light blonde she wanted about and inch out from her scalp, but then there was a dark brownish line where I didn't get enough dye (we ran out... she has super thick hair)... Then the rest was light, but more of an orange-y blonde. What a disaster! So today I called around and got her an appointment with a color specialist on Monday morning. The cost will be $50-$100. This will come out of her school clothes money. Poor pumpkin, I hope she learns some kind of lesson out of all of this. Probably it will be that I am stingy and unfair for not giving her more school clothes money...

P.S. I would love to post a picture to show you all the results, but I doubt if I'd be allowed to take one.

Weekend with the Girls

So, for our joint birthdays, my sweet friends Michelle, Gina and Danette and I all went on a girls trip... our first ever girls trip since high school, I think. I was a little worried we would be dull. You see, of the four of us I am the only one who really ever whoops it up, if you know what I mean. But we rented a limo, with a somewhat nice, somewhat grumpy driver, Paula, and we went wine tasting. Here we are at the second winery..... looking good. We were having fun and giggling and pretty mellow.

Here are Gina and Danette and Michelle at the fourth winery. You can see, things have picked up. We are having a blast.

And finally, here is me in the limo....

Just so you know, this photo was staged. Mark may never believe me, but I swear, it's true.

Welcome Back!

Well, I am back after a busy weekend of fun and visiting and a little too much drinking! I didn't want to post without a fun picture of us in the limo or in front of a winery, but I just haven't managed to get that blasted film developed yet.
Today I spent about 4 hours at work, and it felt good to get things back in place. I have a class list of 22 eager learners and a shiny waxed linoleum floor. All I need now is a clean white lesson plan book to write in... too bad the teacher store in town shut down! Tomorrow that is my goal... to locate and purchase the book that I want! Hopefully in person and not online, because I just can't bear to wait.
In sad news, I found out today a colleague of mine from my previous school has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It is just too shocking to comprehend. He is such a vibrant and ALIVE person. He hopefully has 5-10 years. My heart is aching for him and his family and my old staff. Just aching.

It's over.... O... V... E... R

Today on a rerun of What Not To Wear, a friend of the frumpily dressed contestant said, "She looks like a 40 year old school teacher." Now, for me, those words were like a shot through the heart. You see, for less than 24 hours I have BEEN a 40 year old school teacher. Do I wear black polyester skirts down to my ankles? NO. Do I avoid heels? NO. Do I wear formless, shapeless clothes to hide inside like a tent? NO. So, that remark is clearly below the belt.
I do, however, have issues, as you can see from the photo above, taken the day before my decline into the 40's. I need to dye my hair. I need to quit eating pasta and get rid of my muffin top. I need to lean in close and embrace my 2 teenaged children, no matter how hard it is.
We had a great day at the newly named Discovery Kingdom in Vallejo... roller coasters were ridden, wild animals were perused (including 2 gorgeously majestic tigers), hundreds of dollars was spent on amusement park food and beverages, and several fun shows were watched. We did leave at 6:30, though, a full hour and half before the park closed. This is completely out of character for me as I usually arrive at opening and leave at closing and don't slow down for a minute in between. You can even ask my children who've been dragged across Disneyland nearly comatose through crowds of people flocking to the light parade or my nephew who fell asleep on the floor of the Haunted House when we were in line! I did feel especially exhausted when we left, though. Maybe my age is getting to me.

Celebrate

this is a magical beast
that holds the secret of
light and shadow in a
safe place in her heart
and when it has been too
long grey, she starts to
dance and laugh and cry and sing
and the sunlight fills her up
and spills in wild abadon
back into the world again

-Brian Andreas

Countdown

1. Only 3 more weeks of vacation before school starts
2. Only 2 more days before we go on our little family vacation to celebrate my birthday
3. Only 7 more days before my 3 closest high school friends and I all celebrate our birthdays
4. Only 5 more days before I am 40 (as in YEARS OLD!)
5. Only 27 more days until I have been married to my dearest for 20 years (where did the time go?)

On a separate note, I actually scrapped today. I finished the 10 layouts for my "10 things" book (see below). I really love the pages and want to get a nice picture of my with the kids on our upcoming vacation to go on the cover. I love the book, but so far it has been pretty pricey... $60 class fee.... $60 in gas to get there.... $6 for lunch... $166 for speeding ticket en route (cost of traffic school still not determined) It's a good thing I love my book!

10 Things I want you to remember

So on Saturday morning I got up at 5 a.m. (a full 4-5 hours before my regular summer wake up time) and drove a little over 3 hours to Grants Pass OR to a scrapbooking class with Karen Russell. She is one of my scrapping idols. I had plans to chat with her about this and that and be charming and have a great time... then when I got there, I completely clammed up. I swear, I probably only uttered 7 monosyllabic responses during 4 hours of class. It was so disappointing. Don't get me wrong, the class was great. Karen was great. She was honest and real and we laughed and even cried while she was explaining her album to us. I am really glad that I went. I just hate it when I am overcome with my old shyness from childhood... when I become an observer instead of a participant in life. I wonder if this is something I will ever get over. I made 3 pages for my own album entitled "10 things I want you to remember". It is for my kids and has 10 life lessons paired with photos of them from throughout their life. This page with Kyla is my favorite so far.
So what is a life lesson you want to pass on to someone you love?

Good Reads

Since before my memory begins, I have been a huge fan of reading. I started reading chapter books when I was in the first grade... I read the book Heidi 13 times before I was 13 years old.... I used to cry on Saturdays if I slept in and missed the bookmobile that traveled to my sad little rural town (pop. 35ish) I found this list on a group at goodreads.com and it's a new "100 books you should read" list. Of all the lists I've every encountered, this is one I feel I've actually made a dent in!!

Check it out: (items with * I have read)
*1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
*2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
*3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
*4. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
*5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible (some of it)
*7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
*10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
*12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch-22 - Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
*16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
*18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19. The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot
*21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
*30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
*33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
*34. Emma - Jane Austen
*35. Persuasion - Jane Austen
*36. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
*37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
*39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40. Winnie-the-Pooh - AA Milne (some of it)
41. Animal Farm - George Orwell
*42. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
45. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
*46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
*48. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
*49. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50. Atonement - Ian McEwan
*51. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52. Dune - Frank Herbert
53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
*54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
*59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
*60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
*61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
*62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
*64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
*68. Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70. Moby-Dick - Herman Melville
71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72. Dracula - Bram Stoker
*73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses - James Joyce
*76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78. Germinal - Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80. Possession - A. S. Byatt
81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
*85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
*87. Charlotte's Web - EB White
*88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
*91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94. Watership Down - Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98. Hamlet - William Shakespeare
*99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

So that's 36 out of 100 and a couple I read part of.... hmmm.... guess I have some books to add to my to-read list!

Change

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy or unfullfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." M. Scott Peck

This is my life this summer. Uncomfortable. Unhappy. Unfullfilled. It is an emptiness from deep inside myself that no else can fill. I have to find the source of the aching. I have to comfort myself. I have to find what makes me happy. I have to achieve fulfillment. I know, deep down, where to find this comfort, happiness, and fullness. I know. It is my spirituality that is unnurtured. It is the truth of love, the gift of Jesus. For the last two years I have allowed my life to be defined by finances.... by our lack of (permanent) home. I need to find a supportive community... a place of peace and kindness. A place that I can go to become refreshed. A place where ideas are freely shared and discussed.

The picture above was taken not long after we moved to Sonora (about 10 years ago). It was taken during a time when my discomfort was so severe I spent part of each day weeping for what I had left behind... weeping from fear of the future... weeping because I had lost my family, my sense of self. It was during those 10 years that I really grew up. I became the me I am today. I felt truly alive and happy and secure in myself. Who would have guessed that coming back to the beginning... to the place I had so unwillingly left.... that this act of coming home would once again cause me so much heartache? I must rediscover myself. I must be reborn.

10 Reasons

Yesterday as I was lurking around in blogland, I saw on Karen Russell's blog a class she is teaching in Grant's Pass this Saturday, so I promptly called the store (at 9:00 at night) and emailed them too, and this morning I got a call and I GET TO GO TO THE CLASS!! I am really excited. I am excited to be thinking about scrapbooking. I am excited to be going on an adventure. I am excited to be meeting Karen Russell (who is one of my very favorite scrapbookers!)
The class is called "10 Reasons" so I need to make a list of 10 reasons... hmmmm. Her suggestions are: 10 things that make you happy. 10 of your best memories. 10 goals you have. 10 lessons you want to pass along to your kids. 10 reasons you're glad you married him. 10 things that have made you who you are today. Karen's sample is "10 reasons I want to make some changes in my life". One of the catches is you have to have 10 really good pictures to go with your 10 reasons... pictures that look good printed on 8x12. I must get busy making lists and searching through my photo boxes.

I am actually giddy with excitement!! Love, Nancy

This Ordinary Day

On this ordinary day it is so damp here that the cement and grass are wet. It's not rain or drizzle...just wet air... fog.... yuck.
On this ordinary day I can't stop thinking about why no one will buy our house in Sonora and if we should just give up and move back there. But, really, how could we?
On this ordinary day I checked my email really early and no one has responded to my invite to my birthday and I am starting to feel sorry for my sad 40 year old self.
On this ordinary day I am going to do an hour of Tae Bo and go for an afternoon walk with my sister. Hopefully this will cheer me up.
On this ordinary day I will look at the clutter and disorganization of this house I am trying so hard not to hate and probably do nothing about it.
On this ordinary day I could really use a hug... or a phone call... or a glass of wine with a friend.

Approaching 40

I am not sure why we put so much stock in our ages, but I have to admit I am a little freaked out about turning 40. I tried to lessen the fear by planning a full week of friends and wine, but, alas, I just couldn't get many people commit. So, I changed my plan a little, and now my family and I are going to spend a weekend, then out of town friends will be invited for 2 nights, then there will be four nights of fun with my high school girlfriends who all have faced or are facing the same frightening reality as me. I wonder if my newly 40 year old body can hold up for this marathon of partying?
If you're interested in joining us, please, let me know!

Random News

1. I am making a faux Thanksgiving dinner tonight... turkey breast, gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans. No dessert, though, I have been off dessert all summer.

2. I am sort of sad, but not surprised, that Bret Michaels and Ambre's relationship from "Rock of Love 2" did not work out. They are now making a third season where he and the 25 "contestants" go on the road in a tour bus. It's due out in 2009. Wonder if I will be roped into watching again?

3. I went to work yesterday and cleaned out one of my horribly messy closets. It looked so nice and tidy when I was done. I also met a potential student for next year. She was very sweet and could write her whole name neatly with a capital at the front. She played with my wonderful niece Madi most of the time. Now the playhouse is looking like children have been there, yet again. I like it when it is immaculately organized like the children's rooms in a Pottery Barn catalog.

4. This weekend is the Fortuna Rodeo. I have so many mixed memories of this event from my childhood. Some good, some bad, some excruciating. But mostly I just remember it as the biggest event of my summer (except for my birthday). One thing that always comes to mind is the penny scramble. Every year I would think that I was going to gather up, like, $20 in pennies when it was my turn to scramble... and every year I would be sadly disappointed when I came away with about $2.37.

5. Yesterday my amazing friend Gina turned 40. She is the first of us to pass this somewhat scary milestone. I am next with less than 20 days left as a 30 something. We are all hoping to come together early next month to celebrate this event. I am reallllllllllly looking forward to it.

Undecided

I just can't figure out how to prioritize my days.
Should I work out feverishly hoping to emerge from summer svelt and new without my muffin top?
Should I clean and organize the house?
Should I have that garage sale I've been threatening?
Should I busy myself reconnecting with friends I have neglected?
Should I do more school work now to avoid being overwhelmed later?
Should I just relax?
Should I drive my 2 teenagers crazy trying to spend as much time with them as possible?
Should I obsess and pray about selling our house and finally getting settled here?

I just can't seem to do any of the above to my satisfaction. Maybe I need a to-do list. A daily to-do list. I function better with a goal.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated...

Books, books, books

So, one of the best things about being on vacation is that I get to read, read, read to my heart's content. While in Cabo last week, this is what I was up to.... liked all of them, but LOVED Middlesex! One of the best books I've read in a long while. If you'd like to see my reviews (although I am a very poor reviewer, never using quotes, and just saying what I think), you can head over to goodreads.com

P.S. The hormone induced lethargy is fading.... Yay! (I'm sure you noticed my angst lately)

My summer days

Wake up around 9:00 or so... go pee...roll back into bed... think about my day... doze a little more... get up around 10 ish

Look at dirty kitchen... cluttered coffee tables... think about going back to bed... flip on TV... watch Regis and Kelly while eating breakfast.... usually whole wheat toast with butter and raspberry jelly and a glass of milk

Clean up kitchen... dishes... counters... stove.... put away most of clutter.... get into work out clothes.... brush teeth... hair in ponytail or messy bun

At 11 or 11:30 get onto treadmill.... walk for about an hour.... usually while watching a mediocre movie on mini DVD player.... drink bottle or 2 of water.... move into living room... do some other form of excercise for about 30-40 minutes... maybe yoga... or weights.... or some cardio thing on DVD

Greet children as they stumble out of bedroom bleary eyed.... messy haired.... cool down... drink more water... maybe fold a load of laundry... maybe not

It's at least 1 pm by now... into the shower I go.... scrubbing.... shaving... get dressed.... drink a diet coke or cherry coke zero.... watch a little HDTV... wish we had designers to get our old house to sell

Eat lunch.... chat with kids.... put on makeup... make excuse for not doing my hair... play spider solitaire on computer.... check email... look at blogs.... maybe run an errand or two

Mark is up.... he works out.... talk to him about his night at work

Make dinner.... eat with the whole family gathered around the table.... clean off table...store away left overs for lunch tomorrow.... leave dishes piled high in the sink to greet me in the morning

Is it any wonder I'm blah?

Back home

We arrived home last night after a long travel day. Had a wonderful time in Cabo. Great friends, mostly good weather, fun activities, good books. More to come soon.

Which Austen heroine are you?

Take the Quiz here!

This girl

This girl has always been a challenge for me. And this last weekend as we were on our way out of town, I got a phone call telling me that this girl had been out the night before at a party. Doing things you hope and pray your children won't do EVER or at least until they're in college. One of her friends was hit by a car and had broken her leg. She had to have surgery. My girl was physically fine, but sobbing and barely able to breathe when she called me to confess the bad choices she had made. The hardest thing for me was that I wasn't there to hug her. I wished so badly that I could reach my arms through that cell phone and hold her tight. Also, the shock of it was so severe. It was like my whole conception of the world had been knocked askew. I second guessed everything. I felt so helpless.
Being away for the weekend helped me to bring things into perspective. It gave Mark and I a chance to think, and pray and discuss our options. We made a plan. And so far, it seems to be working pretty well. At least it is from my limited point of view.
Then, later, I checked my email and there was a prayer request from a dear friend about a family whose 4 year old son had drowned. He was in a coma and decisions were being made about if he should be disconnected from the breathing equipment. Oh so suddenly, my family "tragedy" paled in comparison. TLast night, this family lost their youngest child. And although my youngest child had put herself in great danger, she was still here for me to hug and chat with and drive to appointments and kiss and occasionally yell at. I am so thankful for the blessing of my headstrong, wild-hearted girl. I hope and pray that I can help her to live a life of joy and kindness and love and compassion. I hope I can be a good enough mother to help her to make good choices. To be her best self. Please God, help me to do this.
And, if you have a child, go and give him or her a hug.

Love, Nancy

Thankful

I am thankful for so many things... but on a day to day basis I tend to forget and become enveloped in the annoying, the irritating, the unimportant. So, for today, I am making an effort to be thankful. Here are the things on my mind:

1. That my children are both at home safe. Bad choices have been made, innocence shattered, adulthood tested. But for now, they are home. They seem content. We are together. We ate dinner tonight at the table. Everyone ate. No one glared. Giggling happened. There was witty banter. Plans were made.

2. I had a lovely evening on Tuesday. I learned that I am not the only one. That many suffer from the same woes as I. I drank lovely white wine. I chatted. I listened. I ate some seriously tasty tacos.

3. For 7 days in a row I have worked out. My body occasionally aches, but I feel my heart growing stronger. My waist is as small as it was back in March.

4. That tomorrow we will celebrate the beginning of summer with ice cream for breakfast.

5. That I took my crazy little dog for a walk today.

6. That Mark accompanied me on my weekly grocery shopping trip today.

7. In 9 days I will be on my way to Cabo. And sweet and sassy Kristin and Levi are coming with us! I can't wait.

8. That I got to spend time last weekend with some of my dearest high school friends. That Michelle is reveling in motherhood. And I saw Danette 3 times in the last 3 weeks... that must be a record!

9. That it has been sunny here for 2 days straight.

I hope you are enjoying your summer!
Love, Nancy

En espanol, por favor!

So, almost all the way through his 2nd year of Spanish 1, my dear boy has not picked up much to say. Tonight we spent hours going to 4 rooms and saying about 5 lines in each. We had to video it.
Then, I could not get the video (which is on 4mm) onto a VCR tape. TV's just have too many cords these days. I hope his teacher gives him credit. We both worked pretty darn hard on it.
I didn't get any of my work done and the days are ticking by. Only 6 more...