Countdown

1. Only 3 more weeks of vacation before school starts
2. Only 2 more days before we go on our little family vacation to celebrate my birthday
3. Only 7 more days before my 3 closest high school friends and I all celebrate our birthdays
4. Only 5 more days before I am 40 (as in YEARS OLD!)
5. Only 27 more days until I have been married to my dearest for 20 years (where did the time go?)

On a separate note, I actually scrapped today. I finished the 10 layouts for my "10 things" book (see below). I really love the pages and want to get a nice picture of my with the kids on our upcoming vacation to go on the cover. I love the book, but so far it has been pretty pricey... $60 class fee.... $60 in gas to get there.... $6 for lunch... $166 for speeding ticket en route (cost of traffic school still not determined) It's a good thing I love my book!

10 Things I want you to remember

So on Saturday morning I got up at 5 a.m. (a full 4-5 hours before my regular summer wake up time) and drove a little over 3 hours to Grants Pass OR to a scrapbooking class with Karen Russell. She is one of my scrapping idols. I had plans to chat with her about this and that and be charming and have a great time... then when I got there, I completely clammed up. I swear, I probably only uttered 7 monosyllabic responses during 4 hours of class. It was so disappointing. Don't get me wrong, the class was great. Karen was great. She was honest and real and we laughed and even cried while she was explaining her album to us. I am really glad that I went. I just hate it when I am overcome with my old shyness from childhood... when I become an observer instead of a participant in life. I wonder if this is something I will ever get over. I made 3 pages for my own album entitled "10 things I want you to remember". It is for my kids and has 10 life lessons paired with photos of them from throughout their life. This page with Kyla is my favorite so far.
So what is a life lesson you want to pass on to someone you love?

Good Reads

Since before my memory begins, I have been a huge fan of reading. I started reading chapter books when I was in the first grade... I read the book Heidi 13 times before I was 13 years old.... I used to cry on Saturdays if I slept in and missed the bookmobile that traveled to my sad little rural town (pop. 35ish) I found this list on a group at goodreads.com and it's a new "100 books you should read" list. Of all the lists I've every encountered, this is one I feel I've actually made a dent in!!

Check it out: (items with * I have read)
*1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
*2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
*3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
*4. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
*5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible (some of it)
*7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
*10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
*12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch-22 - Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
*16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
*18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19. The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot
*21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
*30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
*33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
*34. Emma - Jane Austen
*35. Persuasion - Jane Austen
*36. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
*37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
*39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40. Winnie-the-Pooh - AA Milne (some of it)
41. Animal Farm - George Orwell
*42. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
45. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
*46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
*48. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
*49. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50. Atonement - Ian McEwan
*51. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52. Dune - Frank Herbert
53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
*54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
*59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
*60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
*61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
*62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
*64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
*68. Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70. Moby-Dick - Herman Melville
71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72. Dracula - Bram Stoker
*73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses - James Joyce
*76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78. Germinal - Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80. Possession - A. S. Byatt
81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
*85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
*87. Charlotte's Web - EB White
*88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
*91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94. Watership Down - Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98. Hamlet - William Shakespeare
*99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

So that's 36 out of 100 and a couple I read part of.... hmmm.... guess I have some books to add to my to-read list!

Change

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy or unfullfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." M. Scott Peck

This is my life this summer. Uncomfortable. Unhappy. Unfullfilled. It is an emptiness from deep inside myself that no else can fill. I have to find the source of the aching. I have to comfort myself. I have to find what makes me happy. I have to achieve fulfillment. I know, deep down, where to find this comfort, happiness, and fullness. I know. It is my spirituality that is unnurtured. It is the truth of love, the gift of Jesus. For the last two years I have allowed my life to be defined by finances.... by our lack of (permanent) home. I need to find a supportive community... a place of peace and kindness. A place that I can go to become refreshed. A place where ideas are freely shared and discussed.

The picture above was taken not long after we moved to Sonora (about 10 years ago). It was taken during a time when my discomfort was so severe I spent part of each day weeping for what I had left behind... weeping from fear of the future... weeping because I had lost my family, my sense of self. It was during those 10 years that I really grew up. I became the me I am today. I felt truly alive and happy and secure in myself. Who would have guessed that coming back to the beginning... to the place I had so unwillingly left.... that this act of coming home would once again cause me so much heartache? I must rediscover myself. I must be reborn.

10 Reasons

Yesterday as I was lurking around in blogland, I saw on Karen Russell's blog a class she is teaching in Grant's Pass this Saturday, so I promptly called the store (at 9:00 at night) and emailed them too, and this morning I got a call and I GET TO GO TO THE CLASS!! I am really excited. I am excited to be thinking about scrapbooking. I am excited to be going on an adventure. I am excited to be meeting Karen Russell (who is one of my very favorite scrapbookers!)
The class is called "10 Reasons" so I need to make a list of 10 reasons... hmmmm. Her suggestions are: 10 things that make you happy. 10 of your best memories. 10 goals you have. 10 lessons you want to pass along to your kids. 10 reasons you're glad you married him. 10 things that have made you who you are today. Karen's sample is "10 reasons I want to make some changes in my life". One of the catches is you have to have 10 really good pictures to go with your 10 reasons... pictures that look good printed on 8x12. I must get busy making lists and searching through my photo boxes.

I am actually giddy with excitement!! Love, Nancy

This Ordinary Day

On this ordinary day it is so damp here that the cement and grass are wet. It's not rain or drizzle...just wet air... fog.... yuck.
On this ordinary day I can't stop thinking about why no one will buy our house in Sonora and if we should just give up and move back there. But, really, how could we?
On this ordinary day I checked my email really early and no one has responded to my invite to my birthday and I am starting to feel sorry for my sad 40 year old self.
On this ordinary day I am going to do an hour of Tae Bo and go for an afternoon walk with my sister. Hopefully this will cheer me up.
On this ordinary day I will look at the clutter and disorganization of this house I am trying so hard not to hate and probably do nothing about it.
On this ordinary day I could really use a hug... or a phone call... or a glass of wine with a friend.

Approaching 40

I am not sure why we put so much stock in our ages, but I have to admit I am a little freaked out about turning 40. I tried to lessen the fear by planning a full week of friends and wine, but, alas, I just couldn't get many people commit. So, I changed my plan a little, and now my family and I are going to spend a weekend, then out of town friends will be invited for 2 nights, then there will be four nights of fun with my high school girlfriends who all have faced or are facing the same frightening reality as me. I wonder if my newly 40 year old body can hold up for this marathon of partying?
If you're interested in joining us, please, let me know!

Random News

1. I am making a faux Thanksgiving dinner tonight... turkey breast, gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans. No dessert, though, I have been off dessert all summer.

2. I am sort of sad, but not surprised, that Bret Michaels and Ambre's relationship from "Rock of Love 2" did not work out. They are now making a third season where he and the 25 "contestants" go on the road in a tour bus. It's due out in 2009. Wonder if I will be roped into watching again?

3. I went to work yesterday and cleaned out one of my horribly messy closets. It looked so nice and tidy when I was done. I also met a potential student for next year. She was very sweet and could write her whole name neatly with a capital at the front. She played with my wonderful niece Madi most of the time. Now the playhouse is looking like children have been there, yet again. I like it when it is immaculately organized like the children's rooms in a Pottery Barn catalog.

4. This weekend is the Fortuna Rodeo. I have so many mixed memories of this event from my childhood. Some good, some bad, some excruciating. But mostly I just remember it as the biggest event of my summer (except for my birthday). One thing that always comes to mind is the penny scramble. Every year I would think that I was going to gather up, like, $20 in pennies when it was my turn to scramble... and every year I would be sadly disappointed when I came away with about $2.37.

5. Yesterday my amazing friend Gina turned 40. She is the first of us to pass this somewhat scary milestone. I am next with less than 20 days left as a 30 something. We are all hoping to come together early next month to celebrate this event. I am reallllllllllly looking forward to it.

Undecided

I just can't figure out how to prioritize my days.
Should I work out feverishly hoping to emerge from summer svelt and new without my muffin top?
Should I clean and organize the house?
Should I have that garage sale I've been threatening?
Should I busy myself reconnecting with friends I have neglected?
Should I do more school work now to avoid being overwhelmed later?
Should I just relax?
Should I drive my 2 teenagers crazy trying to spend as much time with them as possible?
Should I obsess and pray about selling our house and finally getting settled here?

I just can't seem to do any of the above to my satisfaction. Maybe I need a to-do list. A daily to-do list. I function better with a goal.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated...

Books, books, books

So, one of the best things about being on vacation is that I get to read, read, read to my heart's content. While in Cabo last week, this is what I was up to.... liked all of them, but LOVED Middlesex! One of the best books I've read in a long while. If you'd like to see my reviews (although I am a very poor reviewer, never using quotes, and just saying what I think), you can head over to goodreads.com

P.S. The hormone induced lethargy is fading.... Yay! (I'm sure you noticed my angst lately)

My summer days

Wake up around 9:00 or so... go pee...roll back into bed... think about my day... doze a little more... get up around 10 ish

Look at dirty kitchen... cluttered coffee tables... think about going back to bed... flip on TV... watch Regis and Kelly while eating breakfast.... usually whole wheat toast with butter and raspberry jelly and a glass of milk

Clean up kitchen... dishes... counters... stove.... put away most of clutter.... get into work out clothes.... brush teeth... hair in ponytail or messy bun

At 11 or 11:30 get onto treadmill.... walk for about an hour.... usually while watching a mediocre movie on mini DVD player.... drink bottle or 2 of water.... move into living room... do some other form of excercise for about 30-40 minutes... maybe yoga... or weights.... or some cardio thing on DVD

Greet children as they stumble out of bedroom bleary eyed.... messy haired.... cool down... drink more water... maybe fold a load of laundry... maybe not

It's at least 1 pm by now... into the shower I go.... scrubbing.... shaving... get dressed.... drink a diet coke or cherry coke zero.... watch a little HDTV... wish we had designers to get our old house to sell

Eat lunch.... chat with kids.... put on makeup... make excuse for not doing my hair... play spider solitaire on computer.... check email... look at blogs.... maybe run an errand or two

Mark is up.... he works out.... talk to him about his night at work

Make dinner.... eat with the whole family gathered around the table.... clean off table...store away left overs for lunch tomorrow.... leave dishes piled high in the sink to greet me in the morning

Is it any wonder I'm blah?

Back home

We arrived home last night after a long travel day. Had a wonderful time in Cabo. Great friends, mostly good weather, fun activities, good books. More to come soon.